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Humor, A Laughing Matter!
This section is a collection of "public" jokes circulated via e-mails. Based on our assessments, they are deemed
to be of good taste and are decent and harmless in nature. If any of them inadvertently included here are
copyrighted materials, let us know and we will remove them from this site as soon as possible.
Advice for High-Schoolers
Bill Gates' Speech to Mt. Whitney High School in Visalia, California.
Worthwhile reading for anyone. Love him or hate him, he sure hits the
nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, or anyone
who has ever been a kid, here's some advice Bill Gates recently
dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not and will not
learn in school.
He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created
a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this
concept set them up for failure in the real world. Young people must
be encouraged to read this.
Rule 1: Life is not fair-get used to it.
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will
expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about
yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents
had a different word for burger flipping- they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine
about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they
are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your
clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before
you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents'
generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but
life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and
they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer.
This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off
and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself.
Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually
have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
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Some Flight Announcement Jokes
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
- From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
- Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
- After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
- As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
- After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
- From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more.
- Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you
or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
- "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
- "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
- "Last one off the plane must clean it."
- From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately
none of them are on this flight...!
- Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
- Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
- An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give
them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why
no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land
or were we shot down?"
- After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And,
once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
- Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
us here at US Airways."
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