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February 07 2012 4:06:49 PM PST
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Parenting |
Handling Feuding Young Siblings!
(July 13 2005 8:04:20 AM PDT)
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It is somehow natural that young children siblings (brother-sister, brother-brother, or sister-sister) take to quarreling frequently among themselves over petty things.
Unwillingness to share one's toys and books, disagreements over choices of TV program/DVD movies to watch, telling on the wrong doing of the other, and contention for parental attention and affections, are common causes to spark a feud.
One or both may end up crying. Whining or tantrum displays may also follow. And one or both will be running to the nearest available parent or guardian to complain about the other - with the other fiercely rebutting the allegations and/or counter-complain on his/her sibling.
And after an exhausting day of work, it would definitely test your limit of patience. Therefore how would you, as a parent handle the situation? Apart from ignoring them or passing the problem over to your spouse or other people to resolve, your options are basically limited to the following.
- Yell and punish both children.
- Let them have their say quickly and then punish the one whom you think is in the wrong.
- Keep a cool head and get to the root of the issue. After that, counsel the identified offender gently but firmly - and making sure that he/she understands and accepts the message.
Think about the long term impact. Children at this young age are usually self-centered and have yet to understand and adopt the concept of sharing and consideration for others.
Taking option 1 will just demonstrate you are self-centered, don't care about them and have no interest whatsoever to ensure that things are just and fair. They would also be inadvertently conditioned not to approach you to solve their problems in their fragile moments when it matters the most. If left unchecked, your children may also build up dissatisfactions, anger and grudges against you over time which will carry over to their adulthood - resulting in permanently-strained relationships.
On the other hand, option 2 will just leave one party feeling victimized by the quick premature judgment - especially if he/she is not characteristically better in arguing or "putting forward his/her case" swiftly. And sometimes due to circumstances and lack of opportunities, he/she could be unluckily vilified even though he/she was not at fault. If the same child keeps on losing out many times under such "contests", he/she may develop low self-esteem and low self-confidence, and will prefer to retreat to his/her solitude. He/she will also harbor grudges and animosities against the sibling concerned. Relationship with you, the sibling and other family members would also be adversely affected. Impact may potentially extend to his/her adult life bringing about frustrations and unhappiness.
Of the three, the last option will definitely require you to spend the most energy and time to resolve the conflict. A high degree of patience is also required on your part (to avoid exploding in anger) - especially in the beginning before the "dust has settled". Make your conclusion only after hearing out both parties in adequate time and that you are certain that you have all the facts on hand - do clarify with them if you feel that certain things do not add up. Clearly, firmly and yet calmly explain what is wrong and why it is wrong - it should make a child more inclined to realize and accept that he/she had made a mistake, and for him/her to agree not to repeat it. Once this method is consistently used, your children should be able to grasp the notion of right and wrong. Petty quarrels should reduce and should not take too long to resolve - helped by the homed in message that the true culprit will always be caught. More importantly, the approach provides a comforting sense to your children in that you care for them (in how they feel and how they think) and that you will be fair to everyone. With that, you will earn their highest respect and enjoy a closer, more meaningful and lasting relationship with your children.
I had observed my children (a 3-year-old girl and a 6-year-old boy) in a number of conflicts. A "cranky" moment on one's part could easily flare up in a matter of seconds to trigger a misunderstanding. But then on a number of occasions, the issue can also fizzle out by itself just as quickly. And they will patch up with each other without being told to do so. Once, I had asked them immediately (after a conflict) whether they love each other. The answers given were both an unhesitant "yes".
In most cases, young siblings have a naturally strong bonding. So, sometimes you don't need to intervene much no matter how bad the animosity may appear between them. Of course, I don't mean ignore them and let them "fight" it out but keep a closed watch over the developments. With a little bit of experience and parental intuition, you will know when to step in if necessary.
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July 13 2005 8:04:20 AM PDT
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